Gloomy, gloomy day
Today, it seems that the dementors have sucked all the happiness in me. For some reason, I am just so sad. I just woke up to a day, feeling that all will be gloomy.
Maybe, this is a premonition for things to come. Maybe, this is in preparation for a life of living alone–a preparation for losing, giving up and letting go. This is in preparation for losing the people I love and value and trust. I can sense that it will be soon. And I dread the day.
I just wanna walk towards home and sleep this day away.
Disrupting My Ecological Balance
I am kinda feeling worn-out these past few days. Restless. Lost. After the stressful Cotabato City event last week, it has been a series of meetings and lectures that I really hadn’t gotten enough time to breathe and catch myself.
It’s only after that event that certain realities have really set in. Prior to that stressful week, I had put on hold the tears and frustrations that I have been keeping. I am determined to stay focused on the task at hand that I really tried to stop emotions from getting in the way. And I succeeded. But now, the emotions exploded and flowed with rage. Now, I feel the failures.
I’m back to my real world but my brain is dead. It has stopped functioning and is replaced with these bleak feelings. There are deadlines to beat. People and loved ones to take care of. A future to think about. But my spirit is out somewhere, burying my dead brain.
How I wish life didn’t get this complicated. How I wish I have stopped desiring certain things in life. How I wish I have stopped dreaming and reaching for things. How I wish I can be completely happy for the fates of the people I love without feeling sorry for myself. How I wish God has just stopped making me feel these emotions the moment S/He denied me of what I want. And need.
But this is growing up. This is what it means to take care of yourself. This is what realities are. This is working hard and losing what and who you are along the way. This is dreaming and failing. This is what it is.
Life is certainly not always filled with sunny Thursdays. Thursdays can be cloudy too, you know.
TIME Magazine’s “51 Things We Can Do to Save the Environment”
Because Lito Atienza is already the country’s new environment secretary, I will just keep my rants and rumblings to myself about this news to save me from further self-ecological disruption and share with you TIME Magazine’s ideas on how to save the environment in simple, doable terms.
TIME Magazine: Can one person slow global warming? Actually, yes. You—along with scientists, businesses and governments—can create paths to cut carbon emissions. Here is our guide to some of the planet’s best ideas.
6 days to D-Day
6 days to D-Day and i’m right here blogging my cares away. 6 days to D-Day and my major problem is not really the event that involves the ambassador but what to wear when i stand behind her and hand over stuff for her to sign. 6 days to D-Day and i’m still in this “princess of coolness” mode which is not really normal. 6 days to D-Day and i’m still not agitated over the preps and that worries me.
6 days to D-Day and i’m already wishing it’ll be over.
moving in, moving on
and so i’ve moved out again from someplace which was home for a while…
…and moved in to something, someplace unfamiliar with the hopes of a better everything–from styles, to perspectives, to the frequency of writing, and perhaps even luckier and better days…
…and moved on from the dissatisfaction, the boredom, the deadlock.
this move sprung from the feeling/idea/thought that lately, my attention span had been just too short (and so is my memory) and i get bored with stuff even before i get my hands into it. “i need some distraction, a beautiful release” as sarah mclachlan sings, and yeah, that’s what i’m singing too right now. i need a some sort of change because life had been too routinary lately and i’m bored to a certain point. everything seemed to be about work and the usual stuff and there’s no other life. it’s not that i am complaining. work and life in general have been good lately. it’s just that i need a little CHANGE, a breath of fresh air, so to speak.
so this is the distraction. this is the change.
it’s just that i’m starting to withdraw again in this shell that i have created. it’s starting to get comfortable and easy because things seemed to be simpler and more serene in that little world plus things present themselves in different shades of blue. but this scares me to a point because i can’t live there forever and so i have to break away now. i have to break away now because i am human after all and not some marine organism that lives in shells. because really, i exist physically in the “outside world” and so i need people, and things, and places, and human emotions.
and the old home was just too complicated for me and the layout, too complex for me to tweak and i didn’t have the patience to learn how to do it.
so this is where i will be for a while. until further notice.
